I realized that another part of that is to identify my true talents and things that bring me real joy, rather than things that I do to emulate someone else, make myself more interesting, indulge in idle curiosity or distract myself. I've wasted a lot of time in distraction. I want to focus on hobbies that are really meaningful to me, stripped down to my roots.
Several days ago as I was chopping onions it hit me suddenly that God has given me artistic talent which I have totally wasted since high school. My senior year I was taking four art classes. Four. Seriously. I loved it.
Now I use my creative energies in crafts which I've learned: knitting, crochet, quilting, sewing. The difference is, I follow patterns for those things. They offer joy of completion, but they are not really original and perhaps some creativity is not being used. I have absolutely no interest in creating patterns. I've put forth a considerable effort into learning to play clawhammer banjo. I do like playing sometimes, but I know I don't have musical talent. My banjo playing is built on muscle memory and sweat. Something I learned just to prove that I could. I don't have any particular desire to push the limits and get better. I can play Cluck Old Hen and some other happy songs and that's enough.
I realized as I was chopping onions that I stopped doing art because I felt like a poser. Other people were better. Other people were real artists. I'll never get anywhere with it. I totally lost the memory of the way it made me happy to make art. I hated myself and I amputated something that came natural, like breathing, to me.
I think it's time to get back to the basics of Rachel. Art, reading, reflection, laughing, nature and prayer.