Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Offer It Up

Note: I hesitated posting this and to be honest there is a high probability that it will "revert to draft" at any moment. I don't mean it as a complaint against my husband, but I want to be real with the particular challenges that are going on with me and this blog is pretty much my only journal. I wrote it knowing that I can change me and my reactions. It's up to Oliver to change himself (He has. Quite a lot, actually).
He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. Isaiah 53:7
This is the scripture that came to mind as I prayed the rosary today, meditating on the scourging at the pillar. Although Jesus endured a terrible bloody trial, he took the lashes and opened not his mouth. I kept thinking about this in the context of marriage. Lately God has kept reminding me that it's a problem that I mistrust my husband when it comes to my interior life. The past three years have been a trial. I long for the intimacy that would allow me to speak to him about the things that are most important of me. Over time I've grown fearful that when I open my heart to him he will roll his eyes and toss it aside. It feels like this happens over and over. My heart has hardened and I live half my life in secret, skulking around corners and braced for emotional assault and harsh judgement. It occurred to me that I have been choosing my husband's esteem of me over my own integrity

I was reminded of the problem of my mistrust on the day my veil came in the mail. We had been having a great day. Laughing, loving and jiggling our baby. At one point he sweetly went to pick up some food for dinner. While he was gone I saw the mail carrier stop at our mailbox. I went out to check just as Oliver pulled back into the drive. I pulled out everything but left the veil in the mailbox because I did not want to have to explain it to him and face his displeasure. I was ashamed of my deception, but unwilling to face the conversation that the veil was sure to begin.

Today I read this line in St. Faustina's diary which slapped me in the face:
An insincere, secretive soul risks great dangers in the spiritual life, and even the Lord Jesus Himself does not give Himself to such a soul on a higher level, because He knows it would derive no benefit from these special graces. Diary 113
Perhaps my secret life is more of a problem than I ever thought. As I prayed the rosary I thought that maybe I should be as plain and open as can be and offer up the emotional jabs that I receive patiently and without a word for the intention of my husband's conversion or the softening of his heart. I should not respond in anger with hasty words that I'll soon regret. I should be simple and honest, praying for the grace to forgive when necessary and leaving justice to God.

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