Labels

I have been slowly reading Strange Gods: Unmasking the Idols in Everyday Life by Elizabeth Scalia. I have only read a couple of chapters so far, but it's already really making my guilt bone hurt! The chapter I'm currently reading is about the idol of the idea. Like we get certain ideas about ourselves, identify too much with a particular group or idea, and lose our connection to God when he calls us in a different direction. At least I think that's what the chapter will be about. I've just read about three paragraphs so far, but it got me thinking about the damage that can occur when we let other people apply labels to us and we are forced to identify with certain ideas about ourselves that way.

Here are some labels that people have applied to me throughout my life, good or bad: shy, quiet, smart, creative, artistic, funny, good baker, seafood hater. I have found in my own life that labels applied by other people actually held as much or more sway than the ideas I had about myself.

My whole life I have been labeled, "shy". This word is never meant in any way other than derogatory. I have had this word applied to me so often that perhaps it fused into my very soul and influenced my development. I have to wonder whether the label kept me from reaching out to others through the years, kept me in a little box neatly labeled "shy" in which I was previously categorized. I always thought I was just defective that way, but I just wonder whether it was that perception of myself, imposed by someone outside myself, that kept me practicing shy behavior always.

I personally have such people-pleasing tendencies that I always try to live up to whatever people expect of me. Wouldn't want to disappoint them, and if someone says I'm defective I must be defective.

For a people-pleaser it can be dangerous to identify too closely with "good" labels as well. For me such identification influences me to take fewer risks and keep myself inside my own little bubble.

I have always been interested in baking, and am known for making really good desserts. Sometimes I'm afraid of ruining this reputation by trying new recipes/techniques. What if it comes out bad? Will I no longer be Rachel, "good baker"?

If I am "creative" and my creation turns out ugly, will people think I'm still "creative"?

If I'm "smart" and become a Christian, which I always thought was the epitome of stupidity, will people still think I'm "smart"?

Growing up I always thought that my parents' love was contingent upon achievement. I don't remember being praised very often except for when I brought home good grades and report cards. I tried playing sports to win the approval of my dad, even though I didn't really like sports. I know they didn't intentionally train me to think that way, and that it really isn't true. But my perception of myself being an "achiever" kept me chained to this never ending cycle of trying to win love by doing instead of being.

Self-identifying with these labels tends to keep me from living life unencumbered.

I hope that as I raise Baby Lilly I will be careful about applying labels to her which I don't want to her to claim and self-identify with, especially derogatory labels.

I hope I can be careful about labeling the behavior and not the person.

This goes beyond myself and my relationship with my daughter. Applied to other people, I think it can help foster true charity because people are more than their behaviors and circumstances. Anyone is capable of change if you only show them patience, and beyond that, we all deserve to be loved because of our inherent dignity as human beings created in the image and likeness of God. Not for being useful or fulfilling certain roles for other people.

One of my highest goals is to live with integrity. Let go of imposed or self-imposed labels and become the woman that God designed me to be.

Living Deliberately

I want to live deliberately. Not in a constant state of reacting to something. Of course there are little things that I would react to living deliberately or not, but my life should be pursued. I should not always let life pursue me. I hope that forming a close relationship with God will help me to do that. I have been so guilty all my life of tuning out, waiting to get to the good things in life. I need to look around and realize that good things are happening every day!

This post has the sound of a good ramble already, and I'm not sure that I can navigate the circuitous routes of my mind. I feel incapable of writing what I'm thinking, which is such a shame because it looks like such a beautiful epiphany from my end.

I think I've always had a disordered relationship with technology. I distinctly remember telling a classmate in 3rd grade, "I couldn't live without TV." It's a wonder that I remember such an inconsequential snippet, but I do. Now I find myself yearning for the simplicity of life without TV. I know that will most likely never happen in this house given my husband's number one hobby is watching movies. When I watch a lot of television I feel like life is slipping through my fingers in mindless spectatorship. Television is something which numbs my mind and releases it from the responsibility of dealing with my burdens, which leads to prolonged anxiety. I've done pretty well at limiting my time with it when I'm home alone. I rarely turn it on anymore. I feel totally capable of using TV in moderation.

In the past I've had a sick addiction to the Sims 2. I remember days when I would play this game for about 6 hours straight, with only food breaks. I played and played until I realized that as I was playing this simulated life, I was completely ignoring real life. I forced myself to stop playing this game about 5 years ago and have been careful not to play it since. I was not capable of playing in moderation.

The problem-technology for me right now is Facebook. I am woefully addicted to it, and ever since I downloaded the Facebook app on my iPhone I have checked for updates on it near constantly throughout the day. In general I think of Facebook as a good thing, but for me it's poison. Two days ago I changed my password to a mystery password. I'm too chicken to deactivate or delete the thing, but it's a start. My problem with Facebook has been that it constantly makes me feel inferior to others. I can't appreciate the gifts that God has given me because I'm too busy coveting someone else's. It makes me have uncharitable thoughts toward people. It stimulates my people-pleasing tendencies in a bad way.

Perhaps most of all, I feel like God is leading me toward greater community interaction. Leaning and depending on other people. Needing them. Facebook gives me a false sense that I am doing just that, but in reality most of my relationships on Facebook are illusions. My time would be better spent seeing and speaking to people face-to-face. As an introvert, it's too easy for me to substitute one for the other and think I'm on the right track.

I can stop idolizing the activities, cleverness, social aptitude and general awesomeness of others and actually learn to like myself and live my own life without worrying about how others will perceive what I'm doing. Living my own life deliberately instead of reacting to trends and emulating other people.

Maybe like writing a blog. I feel like this post was my worst writing of all time, so scattered. I feel like I'm still missing something, but as G.K. Chesterton said, "a thing worth doing is worth doing badly."

Still, I remember going to Our Lady of Grace Catholic Church several years ago before I got married. This was when I was nominally Deist and the only interest I had in the church was it's beauty that I thought would look charming in my wedding pictures. I remember the gospel that day because it hit me like a ton of bricks, even though I never expected to get ANYTHING worth while out of the Bible. Ever.

The gospel was Matthew 5:29-30. It could have been more than those two verses, but those spoke to me that day. Mass attendance that day was a turning point. I didn't recognize it then, but I recognize it now. Anyway, I feel like the message in those passages is still for me with my relationship with Facebook. I thought the same thing in 2009 when I heard them for the first time. Clearly I am not capable of using Facebook responsibly if it continually causes me to sin.

So for now I'm cutting it off. Hopefully soon I will be detached enough to cancel my account altogether.

I'm going to write some more tomorrow, maybe about self-esteem and introversion.

G'night!

Simplicity and Integrity

Yesterday after seeing this print called Polish Madonna it hit me that something is off-kilter in my life. After I receive communion at Mass I usually pray a prayer in the book Catholic Book of Prayers that I carry in my purse:

From the depths of my heart, I thank You, dear Lord, for Your infinite kindness in coming to me. How good You are to me! With your most holy Mother and all the angels, I praise your mercy and generosity toward me, a poor sinner. I thank you for nourishing my soul with Your Sacred Body and Precious Blood. I will try to show my gratitude to You, in the sacrament of Your love, by obedience to your holy commandments, by fidelity to my duties, by kindness to my neighbor and by an earnest endeavor to become like You in my daily conduct.

I was reminded by all the ways that I am not doing what I say that I will do. How many things fill up my day which are not in alignment with the above statement? One thing I love about being Catholic is how gesture/action is nearly as important as belief. Scripture tells us in Matthew 7:21 that

Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven.

I realize that there probably are other ways to read that verse, but the way I see it right at this moment is that it's dishonest to profess with my lips that I love Jesus, that I aspire above all to be like him, to be a saint, and not live this profession with my actions. I must live this belief. By doing those things highlighted in the above prayer. There are a lot of things in my daily life that receive so much of my time that are out of alignment with the belief that I hold so dear. These things just eat away the day to the extent that sometimes the fidelity to my duties in my vocation as wife and mother suffer. This whole week my house has been a mess. The baby has not been bathed as much as she needed. I have prayed the rosary only once and read only a tiny bit of scripture. I've hardly spent any time in prayer. The laundry has been undone. The animals have not been attended to. Meals have been left uncooked. I have not spent time thinking about others the way that I should, only in the dysfunctional way which leaves the focus on me: "why can't I be like her? Why can't I have what she has?"

I have lived without integrity or simplicity. This week I want to focus especially on living my life as if I was in the cloister. Simply working, caring and praying. An authentic life.

Those things that suck up my time and do not particularly contribute to living my faith will have to fall to the wayside, cannot be the objects of my focus: Candy Crush, Facebook, Draw Something 2, television, Netflix. I want my time to honestly proclaim what is most important to me.

Sometimes being faithful consists in simple labor for those we care for. Mary's fidelity shown in this picture consists in doing the base, unskilled task of laundering the family's clothes. Her proclamation in the Magnificat in this moment boils down to the multitude of little nothings like this.

My soul magnifies the Lord,

and my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior;

For He has regarded

the lowliness of His handmaiden.

For behold, from this day

all generations will call me blessed.

For the Mighty One has done great things to me,

and holy is His name;

And His mercy is on those who fear Him

from generation to generation.

He has shown strength with his arm;

He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones

and has exalted the lowly.

He has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich He has sent empty away.

He has helped his servant Israel in remembrance of his mercy

as He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his seed forever.

Stuffed Manicotti

What We Ate

Stuffed Manicotti:

1/2 box manicotti noodles (7 noodles)-FREE (came with BOGO deal for another type of pasta)

7.5 oz ricotta cheese-$1.50/2=$0.75

4 oz mozzarella cheese (grated)-$1.50/2=$0.75

2 oz parmesan cheese (grated)-$2.50/4=$0.63

1 egg-FREE (backyard chickens...we do pay for their feed but I am not curious enough to calculate that).

Parsley-$0.25

Cook the noodles according to package instructions. While that's boiling, mix the cheeses, egg and 1/8 cup chopped parsley. Add salt to taste, you want it a little on the too-salty side because with the noodles and sauce everything will balance out. Put a little sauce on the bottom of a square baking dish. Stuff the cheese mixture into the noodles. I use a Pampered Chef cake decorator, but in the past I have just loaded it into a ziploc bag, cut off the corner and squeezed the cheese in that way. Line each up on the baking dish. I ended up having enough cheese for 6 manicotti, so the chickens got to eat the 7th one! Cover the manicotti with the remaining spaghetti sauce and grate some more parmesan on top of that. Bake at 375 for 30 minutes!

Sauteed Zucchini:

1 large zucchini-$0.68

3 cloves of garlic (chopped)-$0.05 maybe? An approximation

1 TBSP butter-$2.50/4/8=$0.07

Chop the zucchini into squares and sautee in the butter for about 3-4 minutes. Add the chopped garlic and sautee until it starts getting a little brown. Add a sprinkle of parsley and heat only until it wilts. Add salt to taste.

Garlic Bread (frozen, we cut off only needed portion and keep the rest frozen) $1.08/4=$0.27

Total: $3.45

This meal created 3 servings, so that came out to $1.15 apiece! That total really just blows me away, and even if I had paid for the manicotti this meal would have been crazy inexpensive.

And here is my dessert:

This bad boy--a medio litro of Mexican made-with-sugar Coca Cola--cost me $1.39. More than my serving of dinner! Funny, but so worth it.

Pizza and Salad

In this post I wanted to do something a little different...yes, I do have some weighty religious issue on my mind that is fermenting into a post, but right now I have one of the housewifely variety to share. I have this curiosity about how much each meal we cook at home costs per serving, and I intend to itemize these meals out every once in awhile just for my own edification. I hope it encourages me to cook at home more often and to be more cautious about food waste. So without further ado, here is

What We Ate

Homemade Pizza:

1/3 pack of Hormel pepperonis - $2.50/3=$0.83
1/3 can of Hunts spaghetti sauce- $0.88/3=$0.29
8 oz pack of mozzarella cheese-$1.50
1/2 a green bell pepper-$0.65/2=$0.33
1/3 yellow onion-$0.33/3=$0.11
Jiffy crust packet-$0.58

Salad

2/7 head of romaine lettuce (Had to use some mathz on that one!)- $0.50
Little bit of salad dressing=$0.20 (almost a complete guess)

Total: $4.34

We ended up eating it all, so each serving was $2.17!

I think we came out ahead on that one, and we usually don't eat the whole pizza so maybe next time it will be even cheaper! That beats out the $5 Little Caesar's pizza and even Lean Cuisine microwaveable pizza.

Endurance

It appears that I should've read the instruction manual to my body because I recently learned that running barefoot with my elephantine lumbering weight and turtle-like speed results in soreness in the top of the foot. Oddly enough.

As you can tell from the above notification, I have started my postpartum campaign to regain health/stamina and mobility. It's already resulted in an injury. What's funny is that all of the barefoot running websites say to take it slow when first switching to barefoot running. I thought that Couch to 5K week 1, day 1 was as slow as it gets. This involves a total run time of about 6 minutes. Yeah, I've got a looooooong way to go.

Part of my problem is that I walk sort of duck-footed, and when I was running that way my body was landing too much on the insides of my forefoot and put too much pressure on my big toe. After running for a couple of times and noticing soreness there, I decided to correct my gait and walk/run with feet pointing straight forward. So this last time I went running, I made a point to consciously keep my feet straight. I think this might have exercised muscles that aren't usually used and resulted in top-of-the-foot pain in the area right where my toes bend. I think I just need time and to keep walking and doing C25K week one a few more times than usual to get my feet used to the movement there.

Patience, patience. My first 6 weeks postpartum were such a challenge to me. I was sore, and had a tiny tear *down there* that needed to heal. Lilly's sleep pattern was a little unpredictable and I was tired. I felt like Oliver's patience with me was running thin and I didn't think I could count on him to be sympathetic to me. The absolute hardest thing was breastfeeding. It was super painful. When Lilly latched on I had to close my eyes and clinch my jaw for about 30 seconds to get past the pain. Probably worse than the pain itself was the psychological torment of dreading the next feeding. I knew the pain would return every 3 hours. I hated the dread of feeding my baby. What should have been a relaxing, bonding time for us was a cause of tears and frustration. I didn't know if the pain would ever end, how could I keep breastfeeding like this. I had a tear on one nipple that didn't show any signs of healing and would rip open every time the baby would feed. What started in the first week as a poor latch ended up developing into thrush. Six weeks of agony. Then miraculously, suddenly, mercifully, it stopped being painful when Lilly would latch. The thrush disappeared so suddenly, after weeks of taking diflucan and force-feeding the baby Nystatin to what I thought was no avail. It happened on a Sunday.

I thought that the most unbearable part of natural labor and childbirth was not knowing how long I'd have to endure. I feel like I can tolerate almost any pain for a time, but it becomes much easier to bear when you know a time frame in which the thing will end. The hope and knowledge that the pain will end (preferably soon!) is something that can buoy your spirits when your mind is in a fog of misery and self pity. During my labor, during my first six weeks breastfeeding and during rocky times of my marriage I found myself coming close to giving up. Can the pain be worth it? Am I even making progress? Is this task a limitless Sisyphean torture?

Every time the pain did end, and every time the end result has been worth the fight. Each time was both a fight and a surrender. A fight to keep going and to surrender the outcome to God.

So I think I'll take my chances waiting and praying out my inconsequential foot pain and trying again.

A Maybe New Beginning

The hubs and I got into a huge argument the other night. This was surprisingly good because it helped us air our frustrations that we've been bottling up. He accused me. I accused him. I cried and he looked rather gruff. After all this we hugged, kissed and decided that we were going to make some changes. One of the things I wanted to do was create some common ground between us that is not the baby. I am so happy that he started playing cards with me again, so now I have a desire to learn one of his hobbies. Watch out because I am determined to become:

Rachel, Beer Brewer

Ollie has been interested in brewing beer for several years. He's made several batches, has moved beyond using pre-made extracts into doing an all-grain mash method. He has a deep freezer with temperature controls for fermenting (which I have *ahem* commandeered for freezing food since his last batch was over a year ago). He swears up and down to this day that the best batch he's ever made occurred one time when I helped him with it. Ever since then he's asked me repeatedly to help him, but I never have because of a) selfishness b) laziness c) lack of interest.

All of those have got to change, and I'm planning on doing something really special for him for Father's Day. My plan is to gift him all of the ingredients from a beer recipe, clean out the freezer that's in the house and transfer all of the food from the deep freezer into there. I also need to order another temperature control apparatus because the one he used to use to control the temperature of his fermenter has been moved to yet another freezer that he has set up for aging store-bought brews.

The only part of this plan I have a problem with is still a lack of interest that probably persists because of a lack of understanding. Beer brewing seems so complicated to me. It has a lot of steps. It's almost like playing chemistry. I am up for the challenge. 

Now off to try and locate Ollie's introductory beer brewing book....we'll see if I can capture that elusive beast!